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If Trees Could Speak

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  • If Trees Could Speak

    ...they probably wouldn't speak English. I'd imagine they'd communicate to the same extent as an animal might; subtle movements, maybe groans. But what if they COULD speak English? I bet they'd say some pretty stupid things.

    Some people are under the disillusion that trees are wise because they (some at least) can live longer than humans. I do not agree. I think that trees would be borderline retarded if they could speak English. A conversation with a tree might go something like this.

    Human: Hello tree. I need some advise, wise one.
    Tree: Durm... pick. Pick the bucket. Me like ground. Very fun sun. Sun fun.
    Human: Erm... yes, well I need your help on a financial decision. Should I save up money to invest in a house or a condo? I mean, I could always rent out-
    Tree: Leaves make me feel sick. Me not likey.
    Human:...yes... well winter IS coming around, you might want to retract your pigments-
    Tree: Cat in tree. Fire! Aaah! Me no like the thing that make me bark not feel good. I mean... Do you have any advice on my situation...?
    Human:... in dirt hurt me roots.
    Human:...maybe I should just chop you down and build a log cabin.
    Tree: yah, me like trees.

    Trees suck. Humans would have a lot less respect for them if they could speak. I hate them.

    Even if they were not borderline retarded (and spoke coherently), they'd have nothing good to say. Think about it: they never move. They sit in the same crap soil for all of their lives (unless they are artificially placed). I'd even go as far as to claim that trees would have extreme class-prejudices and/or be rednecks.

    Human: Hi tree, what's up?
    Tree: git off mah soil, mammal, b'fore I spray pollen all over yer face., you're a class-ist AND very disgusting.
    Tree: I don't lyke ur kind; ya humans are fleshy pieces o' nutrient enriched plant fodder. When you die, Imma eat yo' body. Now GIT OUTTA HERE!
    Human:...screw this, I am filing an EO complaint.
    Tree: Mother Nature Pollinator, flesh-bag. Suck a stamen, mammal.

    Screw trees.

  • #2
    you ARE berry funny. now i nose why peeple tot i waz you

    kill me pleez


    • #3
      given yourself away as a government employee or military with the phrase EO complaint


      • #4
        Originally posted by guilo44 View Post
        given yourself away as a government employee or military with the phrase EO complaint
        I actually gave myself away as a former government employee when I said "I was in the military" in about 30 threads, Nancy Drew.

        What do they call it in the civilian world? EEO? PCO? Who cares?


        • #5
          Originally posted by Mega-Douche View Post
          I actually gave myself away as a former government employee when I said "I was in the military" in about 30 threads, Nancy Drew.

          What do they call it in the civilian world? EEO? PCO? Who cares?
          Easy MegaDouche, I don't hang every single word of these threads, I just though it was funny as I'm am in the military and it stuck out like a flare.


          • #6
            hiya zebra


            • #7
              Originally posted by guilo44 View Post
              Easy MegaDouche, I don't hang every single word of these threads, I just though it was funny as I'm am in the military and it stuck out like a flare.
              For someone in the military, you don't seem to realize how little offense I took to your comment, Nancy. Easy boy.

              For some inane reason you made me think of this time my CO was talking in formation. He said that we have a "myriad" of things to do... then he clarified that "myriad" meant "many". I guess us joes aren't literate or well versed enough to know what a plethora is (what with our limited capacity).

              Originally posted by Spellfire View Post
              hiya zebra
              I might be Zebra, I might not be. Who knows for sure?


              • #8
                why can't we haz megadouche bak? i mees heem

                kill me pleez